4.42 How to plan time off when you’re busy

It’s coming to a time of year where you might be planning some time away from work, whether that’s a full holiday, a clear weekend, or even just not working in the evenings if you usually do. The trouble is, we’ve all also got a thousand things to do, and often end up telling ourselves that we don’t have time to take a break or that we will only feel guilty if we do. In this episode I take you through a process of deciding what you need, planning what that could look like, and addressing the worries you have about taking the time for yourself. 

If you liked this episode, you should check out my pair of episodes on how to prepare for your academic summer - one focuses on “acceptance and resistance” and the other on “structure and freedom”. 

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I'm Dr Vikki Wright, ex-Professor and certified life coach and I help everyone from PhD students to full Professors to get a bit less overwhelmed and thrive in academia. Please make sure you subscribe, and I would love it if you could find time to rate, review and tell your friends! You can send them this universal link that will work whatever the podcast app they use. http://pod.link/1650551306?i=1000695434464

I also host a free online community for academics at every level. You can sign up on my website, The PhD Life Coach. com - you'll receive regular emails with helpful tips and access to free online group coaching every single month! Come join and get the support you need.

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to the PhD Life Coach Podcast. This week, we are thinking about something that I think will be coming up for lots of you at this time of year, and to be honest, is relevant all times of year and lots of you struggle with, and that is taking time off. So I'm recording this at the beginning of June here in the UK, and I'm actually recording just before I take a week off work entirely, and a week where I'm kind of partially working.

You might be starting to think about holidays. You might simply be starting to think about just wanting a weekend where you're not at least thinking about your work, or even just an evening or an afternoon. Whatever scale time off you're kind of finding yourself either planning or fantasizing about, I want you to think about that as we go through this episode, and by the end of it, we are gonna come up with a plan.

So before we jump into the planning though, let's think why does this feel difficult, right? We all know that time off is something that everybody deserves. I think we all cognitively believe that at some level. Something that everybody deserves. It's something that people benefit from, something that is reasonable to ask for. I don't think any of us really logically deep down believe that it is logical and fair to expect somebody to be working all the days, all the time, always. But somehow lots of us find it really difficult. And this is one of those, when I talk to you guys about procrastination and time management and things, I'm right there in the depths with you, right? I'm right there struggling with the same things that you guys struggle with. I'm still doing my work on procrastination, okay? I'm a lot better, but I'm still doing it along with you.

Time off though, and enjoying time off, is something that I don't struggle with as much as most people. And I also have some theories about why that is, so I'm gonna talk with you about that too. But first, why do you find it difficult to take time off?

Is it that you believe you have too much work to do and that you can only take that time off once you have got sufficient done, and you never seem to have sufficient done? Is it that even if you took time off your PhD or academic work, there's other priorities, doing things for other people, for your family, for your paid work, whatever it may be, that comes above you having time off. Is it that you don't know what you'd do with time off? That you don't know what you like doing? Is it that you think that if you took that time off, you would just be feeling guilty anyway and so what's the point? You might as well get on with your work. If it's any of those things, you're in good company. A lot of my members, a lot of the people I speak to feel the same way about taking time off.

And in many ways, whilst I think universities and kind of the world has got a bit better at talking the talk of self-care and putting yourself first and all these things, we're often still in a place where it's really reinforced that a lot of people don't do that. Or it's reinforced that they only do that if everything else is completely under control. And let's be frank, it's not often that everything else is all under control

Now, if you were one of my clients, I would love to coach you through any of those thoughts so that we can really kinda examine them, figure out where they come from, explore what impact they're having on you at the moment, decide whether they are thoughts and feelings that we want to kind of keep and feed and drive, or whether they're ones we wanna kind of pick apart a little bit, 'cause they may be no longer serving us But as I am just a podcast whispering in your ears, what we're gonna do instead is we're gonna say, "Okay, I have all these thoughts. One day I'll join Vikki's membership or something like that and get coached on them, but in the meantime, what do I wanna do right now?"

And I want you to identify the longest block of time that you would be willing to give yourself as time off over the next, let's say, month. Now, for some of you, that might be like me actually planning a holiday. I'm in a situation with my family set up at the moment that my husband and I are able to go away on holiday during term time, and so I can say, "Yep, happy to take a week completely off work and then a week on reduced work during the next month." For you, that might not be the amount of time we're talking about, but if you're somebody who often works weekends, for example, on your PhD work, what additional time off at the weekend might you say, "You know what? Can't take a holiday, not in a place to be planning that right now, but I do usually work on a Saturday morning and I could not work on a Saturday morning," for example. Or maybe you're somebody who works late or starts early and actually giving yourself an evening off counts. Now, I want you all to recognize here, I don't think that working evenings and weekends should be the default.

Certainly if you are doing academia full time one way or another, it's a different story. If you've got a full-time job and you're doing a PhD on the side, it's a different story. Maybe evenings and weekends, at least to some extent, need to be your default. For others of you, there'll be completely no-gos, that you don't work, you don't do your academic work on evenings and weekends. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you what the right thing is.

What I want you to do is decide what your norm is. You know, have a little reflect, think about what your norm is, and I want you to identify one chunk of time, minimum an hour or two, up to a full holiday, that you're willing to take off during a time where you would normally work. Think about that in your head. Come to a conclusion.

And then what we're gonna do is we're gonna work through a series of questions to figure out how we can reinforce that as a decision, plan it into our diaries, make it exactly what we want it to be, and sort of manage the other thoughts that come up. So make sure you have picked an amount of time.

The first thing we're gonna ask ourselves, beyond how do I make this work work-wise or whatever, is what would make this great time off for me? Because for each of you, that will mean different things. Some of you will want to go and do something adventurous. Some of you will want to spend time with somebody you haven't seen for a while. Some of you will want to spend time with absolutely no one. For some of you, it might be, "Do you know what I wanna do? I wanna shut my bedroom door for two hours and nobody talk to me, and I can just sleep or just chill out and not have to do anything at all." I want you to think what would make this period of time, whether it's one or two hours, whether it's a day, whether it's a weekend, whether it's a full week, whatever, what would make this feel great for me?

What do I need right now? When I'm thinking ahead to the holiday that I've got coming up, do I particularly need rest? No, not really. I don't particularly need physical rest. I need some time where I'm not thinking about my business. I love my business. Don't get me wrong. And I love doing my podcast. I love talking to all of you guys, but it can get relentless sometimes. It is kind of on a rotation where I have to stay up to date with these things so that I can continue to support you all and all of that, and you know, I love it, but it's a lot to think about. So having a bit of time where I don't have to think about that, gorgeous.

What would feel really good is spending some more time one on one with my husband. I see him quite a lot anyway, but more time where we can actually go and do fun things and make memories, and where we go and do things that we don't always make time for, like going to galleries, and I wanna go sea kayaking, and all these sorts of things.

So for me, it's mostly I wanna go and do interesting things and not have to think about work for a while. For some of you, it will be about physical rest. For some of you, it will be about warmth. I have a good friend who always needs to leave the country at various points during the year because she hates not experiencing warm weather for a period of time. For each of you, it will be something different, but what do you need from this time off? And if you're thinking about a much shorter period of time, that's okay, but let's think about what do you need that you could get in that period of time.

And then I want you to ask yourself why that? Why does that feel important for me? Because we wanna just check in to make sure that what we're choosing is what we actually want and not what we're telling ourselves we want. So often society has messages about what we should want. You know, we should be wanting to go somewhere glamorous.

We should be wanting to spend more time with our kids, whatever it is. And these things don't have to be true, right? Maybe you're telling yourself, "Oh, I just want some more time with my family." And deep down you're going, "No, I don't. I want some time where I don't have to think about my PhD, and I don't have to think about my kids, and where I can just go and be a person for a while." That's okay, too. So just double-check in with yourself. Why do you want those things, and are they coming from a place that you're like, "Yeah, that's the kinda true and authentic me"?

So now we know what we want. Now I want you to think what feels like it's in the way of that? What practically is in the way of that? Is this around money? Is this around people taking over some of your responsibilities? Is it over having too much to do, whatever that means? Is it about having deadlines that are coming up that you're worried you're not gonna hit?

What feels in the way of taking that time off? And some of you will be saying, "I haven't even got time to think about it." And that's why I'm doing this as a kind of reflection here in the podcast rather than me just telling you what you should do or whatever, why I want you to be thinking about it now. If you've got time to listen to this podcast, you've got time to start thinking about this for yourself. What this could look like. So what is practically standing in the way? And then we start to get creative about how we could address those things. And sometimes that's about slightly tweaking the thing we're hoping for.

So maybe you said, "I wish I could have a completely free day where I didn't have to think about my PhD or anybody else, and I can just go and do something nice." Maybe for you, at the moment, a full day isn't possible. I want you to consider whether it is. I want you to consider who is there that could help you with things. But for some of you, it, it just might not be. But what might two hours look like? Or what might three hours look like? 'Cause sometimes we can get a bit black and white about this. I can't have a holiday, therefore it's not even worth thinking about it. But how can we make a Saturday afternoon feel a bit like a holiday?

How could we dump the children in front of a TV and have a couple of hours that feels a bit like a holiday? How could I have a week where I reduce my expectations on at least some parts of what I do? How can I decide, you know what, I'm not gonna do any of my paid work this week, but I am gonna do PhD work, or I'm gonna take a break from my PhD work and only do my other responsibilities. So we're gonna identify what are the things practically that feel like they're getting in the way, and then we'll try and get creative about what we can do about that.

Now, we also get to think about these thoughts that make this feel impractical for you. Because if you are thinking thoughts like, "I don't have time, you know, there's just no way. I've got too much to do," or thoughts like, "I would just feel guilty anyway," I really want us to poke those a little bit. Because often this notion that we don't have time is not driven from a place of actually needing to use all those hours for everything and actually effectively using them. It's driven from a kind of general sense that we're not doing enough, and there's no amount of work that would be enough. And when we recognize that that's true, then suddenly it becomes, well, I, I can't ever live up to this.

If I have , this endless amount of work that would be... You know, I can't picture how much work I could do that would be enough in my brain. Then we get to say, "Okay, well may- maybe I don't have to have done enough work". If instead you're thinking, "Okay, I could take time off, but I'm just gonna feel guilty about my work anyway," then I want us to poke that one as well. Because I think there's two things. One, we could say, "Yeah, I might." I might feel guilty, probably will feel guilty, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Because even if I do feel guilty the whole time, if I plan it intentionally, and we'll think about that in a second, if I plan it intentionally, then at least I will have had the physical rest, at least I will have done some fun things. And we can start then thinking, "Okay, if I probably am gonna feel guilty, I probably am gonna be telling myself I should be working, what things can I do to make it more likely that I will still take the time off?"

I can do things with other people. I can do things that take me away from my computer. I can do things where I won't be on a screen, for example. It's a lot easier to not check your emails if you're in a spa or on a beach and you haven't got that with you, for example. So starting to think through, "Yeah, okay, I probably... I might feel guilty. I might be telling myself those things." But, A, can do it anyway, B, can try and set it up to minimize those things, make it as distracting and fun as possible, for example. But, C, you can also say to yourself, "This is also a good opportunity to practice not just thinking whatever comes into my head."

Because one of the things we work on in the membership more than anything is this idea that the thoughts that jump into your head come from a whole variety of places, right? They come from your best self. They come from your worst self. They come from things people have said to you in the past. They can come habitually.

Lots and lots of reasons why we think the first thoughts we think. And most people think , "Okay, that's what I'm thinking, so I'm thinking it and I'll think it forever." That's not true. We can choose what we feed. So maybe it is true that if you took some time off, you would start to feel guilty because you would start telling yourself you should be working, but we can plan for that, too.

We can plan the mindset work for that bit, too. We can tell ourselves, "No. I know you feel guilty. I know part of you thinks you should be working, but we decided, we decided we weren't going to. Look, it says on my to-do list here, 'Have time off.' Do whatever. Read my book," whatever it is that feels like good time off for you.

" It's what it says on my to-do list, so that's what I'm doing right now." And we get to reassure ourselves. We don't have to just blindly accept that we feel guilty. We can say, "Okay, I know. I know you feel guilty 'cause you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure, and other people are putting you under pressure, too. But it's okay. We intentionally decided that this was time to spend with my family," or, "This was time to go hiking," or, "This was time to lay in a hotel room and not move," for example. "We intentionally chose this, and it's okay. Everything else is future Vikki's problem." Okay? We don't have to just accept those thoughts as they come up.

One of the things that we've been talking about in the membership a lot this week is prioritization. So our quarter, this quarter, is all about procrastination, and focus, and motivation, and things like that, and we talked about prioritization. And it actually surfaced quite a lot of thoughts for our members that they didn't realize they'd had.

And a couple of things that came up I think are really relevant to this issue of taking time off. The first is I recommended avoiding what I call sector-wide prioritization. So we can kind of notionally divide our lives into sections, where we've got family, we've got health, we've got money, we've got PhD if we're doing one, we've got paid work if we're doing some. We've got these different elements to our lives. And one of the things I see with, um, people trying to prioritize is they try and prioritize entire sectors. So they say things like, "My PhD will never be more important than my partner," or, um, "My health is always more important than my PhD," for example.

And these sound like perfectly worthy, sensible things, right? No one's gonna say, "No, your PhD should take priority over your partner," or, "No, your PhD should take priority over your health." But the problem is, when we make them these big sector-wide prioritization comments, it removes any nuance within that.

It's like at macro level, is my health more important than my PhD? Yes. At a micro level, is doing two hours work this afternoon actually gonna negatively affect my health? Probably not. And when we then think that one of the sectors of our lives that I think most adults minimize and neglect the most is the kind of fun and human experiences kind of sector, so the just doing stuff 'cause it's cool bit. When we say, "Oh, my PhD, my academic work has to take priority over my doing cool stuff sector of my life," then again, it doesn't allow for any nuance, and we end up in these really black and white things where it's like, "No, need to be head down until this work's done." And it's like, well, what does head down even mean? And one of the things when you allow for more nuance is you get less black or white about things, and you realize, okay, broadly speaking, my partner is more important than my PhD. But on this particular Tuesday night when I've got something I wanna get done and he's watching something on TV anyway, I can do two hours on my PhD and it is not gonna negatively affect our relationship, for example.

On the flip side, if you're saying, "Oh, my PhD is more important than my social life right now," it's like, okay, that's cool. Maybe it is right now. Maybe you're in a period of it where you're, you know, you're in the midst of writing up or you're in a very busy data collection phase or whatever, and maybe your social life isn't as vibrant as it could be.

But that doesn't mean that on a Friday night between 7:00 PM and 9:00 PM, seeing your friends can't be a priority, can't be the priority, the one thing that you're doing. So when you're thinking about how you could take some time off, whether that's a couple of hours of an evening or whether it's an entire week off, is we have to make sure that we're not using these big sector-wide broad brush priorities to tell ourselves, "No, no, my PhD has to be my priority right now," and instead allow in that nuance of being able to say, "Broadly speaking, my academic work is my priority for this period of my life, but for this period of time that I've identified, doing something for myself is my priority."

Allow that sort of nuance. It doesn't take away from the fact that broadly one thing is your priority. Although, for a short period of time, something else can be your priority if you choose

Everything we've done so far has been in what I call boss mode. So we're kind of in that version of us that's planning and making decisions. We're thinking, right, what would be good for me? When could I do this? What would that look like? Why would I want to do it? All of that sort of planning part is boss mode.

And some of you will have found this bit uncomfortable. You all have already, as boss mode, sort of going, "Oh, I'm not really willing to make the decisions I would need to make in order to do this." And if that's you, if you're already going, "I'm finding this really difficult to plan what this could be, or to admit to myself that I need it, or deserve it, or would like it," then I want you to think what would help you? What would support boss you? Do you need to discuss it with somebody else? Could they reinforce with you that actually doing this is the right decision to have this bit of time off? How could you, even if you need to even shrink it more if that helps, just to practice making these decisions. How can you support boss you to make a decision about when you're having time off, what you're doing, and why you're doing it?

Now, for many of you though, you'll be okay with that bit. Might feel a bit uncomfortable, might feel a bit weird, but now you're like, "Well, that's all very well. I've decided I'm having that time off, but I know implementor me, the version of me that actually has to do this, if my work's not finished, I will sack off the time off, or I will end up just quickly checking my emails even though I said I wouldn't, or I will end up doing X, Y, Z." And that's really important to recognize, right? The implementor you doesn't always follow what boss you planned. And that's okay, right? We're all human beings, we all get this stuff. It's not a problem. But we can plan how can we make it easier for implementor me? How can I make it easier for me to do this?

So I'm recording this on a Thursday. I go on holiday on Sunday. You won't be listening to this till the week after next. So by the time you listen to this, I'll be back from my holiday. But One of the things I'm doing to make it easier for implementor me to not work when I'm on holiday is I'm working out what stuff would hang over my head, and how can I get it done to the best of my ability before I go?

So as an example, this podcast, like I say, is going to come out the day we get back. It probably would be tight for me to record it when I got back, but I probably just about could. I'm doing it now so that I'm not thinking about it when I'm away. I'm trying to sort of finish off any emails, things like that, answer all the questions that my members have submitted, 'cause I'm gonna have no questions for Vikki next week.

So I'm trying to get all those done before I go. So I'm thinking, right, what can I get done now that will enable future Vikki to not have these things hanging over while she's on holiday? Am I gonna finish all of them? Almost certainly not. That's why I've prioritized them. I'm doing them in a certain order.

And the other things, they will wait. So what I'm doing, I'm not expecting myself to be perfect. I'm getting as much done as I can before I go, and then everything else I'll be telling myself, "I'll deal with that when I get back." And I trust that future me can do that when I get back.

And if I don't know how yet, that's okay, 'cause it's future me's problem. The second thing I'm gonna do is think really intentionally about what things would make me work while I'm away. My members know there are no sessions. My members know there's no questions for Vikki, so I'm not gonna be answering any questions either by VoiceNote or in community. They know that I'm absent. So I've set that up so I won't be tempted to go in and deal with those things, 'cause I know they know I'm not there. I am however taking my laptop. I'm taking my laptop because I work with other clients, I have some institutional partners and things like that, and not all of them know that I'm on holiday. And I want to be able to answer occasional emails about things like that.

How am I gonna make sure that that doesn't take over my holiday? I'm gonna plan for what that means. So I am gonna take my laptop, which means I'm only gonna check my emails on my laptop, I'm not gonna check my emails on my phone, and that kind of gives me a degree of separation from it, and I'm gonna allocate myself some time, probably in the late afternoon, where if I'm back at the house that we're staying in and I have my laptop there, I can check for half hour or so whether there's any urgent emails, and I will only reply to urgent emails.

Everything else can wait. And I'm setting those things in advance so that I'm not negotiating that with myself as I go along. So think through what can you... When you've made these decisions about what you're gonna do, what can you do to make it easier? What decisions can you make in advance so that you're not remaking them over and over again?

And this is where, and I've mentioned this in podcasts before, I highly recommend you don't go for, "I'm gonna take some reading just in case I feel like it." Don't do things in case you feel like it. If you've decided this is time off, if you feel like working, you get to go, "Oh, what a shame, I feel like working, but this isn't work time, it's holiday."

That's awesome. Some of your supervisors won't like me saying that. They'll say, "Oh, if you feel like reading, then why don't you read? That's what an academic does." That's what a burnt out academic does. If you're trying to convince yourself that during work time you can't convince yourself, "Oh, I don't really feel like working, I'd rather nap," if you're trying to tell yourself not to do that, then why allow yourself to go, "Oh, I'm meant to be resting, but actually I feel like working, so I will."

No. Just say, okay, you feel like working. Cool. Find something else to distract yourself. It will soon go away. Remember what you're excited about looking at and keep that for when you get back. Because often the, "I kind of feel like reading," it might be intrinsically motivated, it might be that you've had a sudden bout of motivation where you're really interested in your research.

It might be that. Course it might be. But a lot of the time it's your guilt speaking and sneaky little, "Oh, maybe I could just do a little bit." It's your oh, I'm a bit behind voice, that one coming out and poking you, and pretending that it's going, "Oh, no, we're just feeling a bit motivated." No, you're not. You're probably not. And if you are, it'll go away.

So decide in advance, don't, just decide. And if you're somebody... I am very good at compartmentalizing those things. Okay? Not gonna lie. I am very good at saying, "You know what? I'm just checking my emails every couple of days for about half an hour, and beyond that I won't care." I am very good at doing that. If I wasn't good at doing that, I would not be taking my laptop. I would put a physical barrier in place. So think about, or if you're somebody who kind of it, like, pulls at you, and you're like, "Oh, maybe I could do a little bit," just don't take it. Turn your email off on your phone. And that's for holidays or for short periods of time too.

The last thing I'm doing is I'm thinking ahead to future me, because I know I have a tendency to have massive faith in future me. "Oh, she'll sort that out. She'll sort that out. It'll be fine. Da, da, da." What I'm doing, and I've done it already, is I'm deciding, what am I doing the Monday morning I get back?

So in fact, the Monday you're listening to this will be my return to, not membership work, but to general doing work. I already know what I'm doing that morning. I'm starting with an exercise class. I don't usually exercise in the mornings, but I won't have been to my gym for a week, and I wanna get straight back on it.

So I'm gonna start with an exercise class so that I start feeling, right, we're back to normal, back into my routine. And I then have... Actually, I have a three-hour CPD. I'm doing some ADHD training at the moment to be a more ADHD-informed coach. I feel like I'm pretty informed anyway, but this is, like, a specialist training, and it's amazing.

Loving it. Shout-out to the people that are doing that with me. Um, and so I'm coming straight back into that, so I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm also gonna pick what my tasks are for the Monday afternoon. So I'm coming straight back, I'm gonna do my exercise, I'm gonna do my CPD, and then I know I've got the afternoon where I'll be working.

I am gonna pick before I go what tasks I'm doing when I get back. And I'm gonna make sure that I have... It's a nice ramp in, that it doesn't feel too, "And now you have to do everything." I'm not gonna expect myself to make decisions on that first day back. I'm gonna set it up in advance so that that's easier. You can do the same thing. Even if we're talking about, okay, I'm just gonna take the weekend where I don't work this weekend, for example. Let's make decisions ahead of time for Monday morning you, so that you don't come back kind of going, "Oh, I've had all this time off, and now there's 100,000 things."

Let's decide in advance. Let's make it easy for ourselves, 'cause that's what this is about. It's about thinking, this is what I need right now. This is what's standing in the way of getting it. This is what I can do to make it possible, and this is how I can make it as easy as possible.

So, make a plan. Work your way through the things that we've talked about. Let me know. If you're not on my newsletter, go join my newsletter. You go to thephdlifecoach.com, sign up for my newsletter, and then reply to your newsletter. Tell me, what are you gonna do with your time off? I wanna hear from all of you what cool things you are going to be doing with your time off. I hope that helps. I hope that helps. I'm super excited about my holiday. I hope you're getting excited about your time off too. Thank you all for listening, and I will see you next week